Poop, Paxil, and Pageantry

This website is so funny. You should check it out.

Okay, I think I mentioned this already, but we had a blow out on the way to San Antonio. Everytime Jill Army told the story, it was a flat tire. To which I had to of course correct. It wasn't a flat tire, it was a blow out. That is a friggin' blowout Jill Army !!!!!

I stole this from Jen . My blog is worth $78,471.06 . How much is your blog worth?

I am back. It took us about 14 hours to get home. The children did remarkably well. So did Tanner (My cocker spaniel who has been boarding at my dad's house). I would have to say the last 20 or 30 minutes was the worst. Tanner was in desperate need of a bath, so the car smelled like stinky ass dog all the way home. I can deal with that. He gets an upset tummy when he is nervous, so add dog farts on top. Still not too bad. Then, 20 minutes away from home, Ethan takes a ginormous shit. Okay, we are almost there. Hang on baby. Oh, but wait.....we get stopped at the gate for a random search. I can tell you this, it was the shortest search ever in the history of searches. I think once those poor guys got a whiff of our car, they knew we were carrying nothing but shit, farts, and a dog needing a bath. By the time we got to the house, Ethan's crap had migrated up his back and all over his carseat. Goodie, Goodie!!!!! Being with my family was great. I do regret that I did not get to se...

Still in Texas. I am going today to get a new hairdo today. I am so excited. I will take pictures and post them if I can. I am having such a great time with my family. I am really going to miss My brother and his family when they go to Hawaii. I think the Steins are going to have to make a trip to Hawaii. Kimmie (my sister) is staying home from school today to play with the kids. She is so cute with them. Your mission while I am gone is to leave me lots of comments (feeding my ego). I will be back in full force on Monday. Clint, I miss you so much. Amazingly, three kids and I still love you. You fertile bastard.

I am in San Antonio!!!! Jack and Jill Army are fixin' to leave for Hawaii, so I came home to see them. Jill met me half way and boy was it quite an event. We had a blow out, got lost, and Jill got a speeding ticket. I will be here through the weekend, so bloggong will be very light. Oh and I will not be doing Spf this week. Clint is at home enjoying the quiet. Lucky bastard!!!!!!!!!

I had this great idea that I was going to make a Christmas wreath, I guess I should leave the REALLY creative stuff to Meritt . Here is the before. And the pathetic after. I think it need some ribbon or something. I couldn't get the snowman to look right. Hmph!!!! Want to see more before and afters? Yes, you do!!!! Meritt Cat Stacy A Military Mom Jana Jenny Erik Kris Cady Christie WarCryGirl Who else is playing?

Okay, I have never made any bones of making fun of myself. I am now giving you an even bigger opportunity to laugh and point your fingers. Have you ever seen an uglier school picture? Where are the retakes? Why does my hair look so bad? What was my mother thinking letting me look so bad? Thank god for wax. Check out the brows. Oh, the smile, the teeth, and should I even start on the outfit?

Meritt, here are pictures from my first hayride ever. Yes, it was only four years ago. This is Clint getting the trailer ready. Here we are taking our shots of tequila. Apparently a must for every hayride. Yes, that is me in the sexy flannel. My friend Shawn driving the tractor. Yours truely, driving the tractor. Man, that sun was bright. You can't see my face and I couldn't see the trail. Plus, I had been drinking tequila.

You are What Rejected Crayon Are You? Okay, is that not some funny stuff?

Tomorrow is the day. Self Portrait Friday. Jenny came up with this idea. She wants to see a before and after. The kitchen before you clean, the kitchen after you clean. You before you do your hair, you after you do your hair. Get the picture? Yeah!!!! Friday. Oh, and coming soon.......I did not get my picture in in time to play so I will just post "the worst school picture ever" and for Meritt, I want to post my very first hayride pictures. Come on back now yah here.

I am officially declaring October 20th National Fart Day. To get everyone in the spirit, I thought I would post some fart funnies. Now if you are a fart enthusiast, you might want to visit The Fart Mart . For helpful facts about farts, I recommend this site. It may answer many of your fart questions. I have found a scientific website that will allow you to recreate many famous farts with a simple click of your mouse. See here. Now, if you need help idetifying your farts, please check here . You can look here to see just what kind of farter you are. I have also found a site for those of you who have a hard time admitting you farted. This site gives you many options. I would like to also suggest some Fart reading Material. Please ask your local librarian if she carries these titles. This one of course goes hand in hand with the History of Shit. Then there is: Now, once you have gotten suitable reading material, I suggest you head on over here and get you a burrito.

I think I found why there is always such a battle between men and women and of course the normal communication problems. It is a little hard to read. She says "watcha eatin'?" The box says "Nut N Bitch" Bwhahahahahha

Here is a little sketch of how I prepared my halloween costume.

I could have sworn I was tagged for this one, but can not remember by who. If I wasn't, well I am doing it anyway. 1. The town I grew up in. Well, considering I was a military brat, I will show you my favorite place we lived and also the place we settled. I loved 29 Palms the best out of all the places we lived because I remember it the most and I met one of my most favorite people there. We settled in San Antonio, so I consider that HOME. 2. Where I live now: Fort Carson Colorado 3. My Name 4. My grandmother's name 5. My favorite food: Pasta, Pasta, and more pasta. YUMMY 6.My favorite drink: Milk in a frozen mug. 7. My favorite smell: No, it isn't crap. That would be the most often smelled. I like things to smell clean.

Toni, over at My View , tagged me. Here we go.... Seven things I want to do before I die: 1. Go to Ireland 2. Get a boob job 3. Have my deviated septum fixed 4. Get my degree in mortuary science 5. Have grandchildren 6. Be debt free 7. Learn how to be computer fluent Seven things I can do: 1. Wipe butts 2. Grow grass 3. Balance a checkbook 4. Make an ass of myself 5. Bake 6. Love 7. Forgive Seven things I say a lot : 1. Friggin' 2. Right On 3. No 4. Get Down 5. Ah shit 6. Quit Fighting 7. Get in bed Seven celebrity crushes: 1. George Clooney 2. Matthew McConaughey 3. Robert Downey Junior That's it really. I can't think of anyone else. Seven people who have nothing better to do than to get tagged: All of you seven people who come here.

I am in shock. I guess I like to believe in the good in people, but boy have I been proven wrong. Last night, I went to write a check for the little girl next door's fundraiser. I realized the check numbers were off. (I only write checks for the commissary, car payment, and of course fundraisers) I thought the checks must have been misprinted, but when I looked at the binding, you could tell two checks and their carbons have been torn off. The only time my wallet was accessible was Friday night when we had company. I hate to think that someone who makes just as little as we do, has kids, and should know better would do such a horrible thing. I closed my account last night and had to open a new one. Can you believe I was able to do all that on the phone at 10:00 at night? What a great bank.

Thanks to Jenny, who you can find here and here , I have a much better looking blog. Now, keep in mind, she just fixed the things I asked her to do (and maybe some things she knew looked god awful), but her talents go way beyond my little pathetic blog. Now, I just have to work on the title. I want it to be all sparkly. You know, like my personality. Did you just roll your eyes? Whatever!!!!!

or maybe just a little help with some code? Notice the dotted lines in the sidebar? Well, I took those out in the main body. I want to put a little candy corn graphic across there. I already have the graphic, but can not figure out the code to make it show up there. Oh yeah, just one more thing. I want to add pictures to my title and it will not let me do it. Who wants to be my hero? Anyone? Hello?

Yes, today is Sunday. Here at the Stein house, we are cleaning up poop. Ethan took his diaper off and just shit all over the floor. Just took it off and shit. It wasn't the easy to clean up pebble poop. NOOOOOOOOOOO, it was some kind of black tar poop that I am sure is from all the cake and candy yesterday. Whoo Hoo. I friggin' love parenthood. Everyone should do it. It is so friggin' great. Let me give you a list of the things you will have to look forward to: Hips that never go back to where they were Boobs that remind you of pancakes Gray hair Belly fat that will not go away Up to your ass and elbows in poop, piss, boogers, and vomit Ripped mail, books, and magazines Always having to share your food Dora, Dora, and Dora Little to No sleep Guilt for scarring them, for giving them too much, giving them to little, being around to much, being around to little Sex drive? What's that? Why!! They always want to know why. Money? You will never have enough money. You no longe...

So, I have absolutly no trouble acting like a jerk ass. First, I decided to choke my son. You can tell by this picture, I was enjoying myself a little to much. Choking Steven felt so good, I decided to choke the neighbors kid as well. I then began to move on to a guy that lives here in the "hood". My final mission was to kick Mike's ass. He was the one who got in the fight last weekend. I figured he needed to feel a real ass whoopin'. Now, if you believe any of this, I have a huge dildo to sell you for your ass that doesn't hurt. Other Outstanding Jerkasses: Robin A Military Mom Toni Rhianna Jana Meritt Cat JackArmy GoldFalcon Erik (biggest jerkass of all) Chrisite StacyLee

Okay, I swear I am playing my own damn game. i have to wait for husband to get home and take some pictures of me. Give me a couple/several/a few....whatever, give me a bit of time to catch up. The whole astroglide incident has put me way behind.

Do not forget tomorrow is Self Portrait Friday. Let us see you acting like a Jerk Ass. Oh and by the way, that is totally open to your interpretation. Let me know if you are going to play or have played and I will post some linky love.

Where do I even start? My neighbor came over to late her neice play with the kids. I was upsatirs drinking some coffee and folding laundry. When I left the room, I did not lock the door like usual. I didn't know it was going to be Christie at the door and I thought I would be right back. Well, In this house.....ALWAYS LOCK THE DOOR. Christie and I were sitting downsatirs, the kids were playing in the play room (I thought) and everything was good. I came upsatirs when I heard doors opening and closing. You would not believe what I found. There were four children, covered head to toe in astroglide. They were so lubed up, you could have shoved them right up an elephants ass. Ethan was playing with the cds and there were "special items" littering the floor. Oh and that cup of coffee I had been drinking, gone. It had been dumped all over the computer desk. So, just a quick recap: four children covered inlube, every surface in my room covered in lube, lube all over the carpet,...

Well, apparently we are still on the boobie theme according to WarCryGirl . So, I found every man's dream closet.

Here we go. It is time for a little show and tell. Let's start with the kitchen. Now, This one is for Meritt . Notice the EMPTY cookie jar? I am just not nearly as wonderful as you. Since it is right of the kitchen, we will take a peek at the mound of laundry I have to do. This is only three days worth. UGH!!!! There are several things to point out here. First, our space is so limited, I must hang everything up. Second, see my baby Stich is in the background. Lastly, I have to do way to much laundry. No wonder I get injured. Let's move on to the downstairs bathroom. That is where I keep my "makeup bag". Okay Crystal , I do not really wear makeup. I wear lipgloss and mascara everyday and that is about it. This is our ginormous upstairs bathroom. Isn't it huge. I really enjoy the garden tub and seperate shower. Oh wait, I think that was on MTV cribs . This is the linen closet. Notice the shelf just inside the frame? That is for the children's books, ...