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Oh For Pete's Fucking Sake or For the Love of God...In Dog Heaven?

The kids have taken to a new entertaining night time ritual. We will call it "get up with bullshit fucking excuses to drives our parents to the borders of abuse". Tonight however has been particularly entertaining. It started with the normal "Ethan is making noise" shit and then turned to "Ethan swallowed a dime".

What the hell?!?!?!?!
Mommy: "Ethan, did you swallow some money?"

Ethan: "NO!!!! Steven ate the money"

Steven: " No I didn't. Ethan did"

Ethan: In a state of pre spanking hysteria "No, No, Steven did"

Mommy: "Ethan, Calm down we are not going to beat you. Did you eat some money?"

Ethan: Now calming down and ready to tell the damn truth and quit his damn lieing "I uh swallowed it down into my tummy"

Daddy: "Ethan, let's not eat money anymore. It could kill you."

So, off the two boys head to bed. Clint and I are sure we are now in the clear to enjoy the rest of the night, just us and our HGTV.

Then it happens. I hear some friggin' kid crying and have to be a good Mommy and go see what the hell is the next fucking problem. I head into their room and find Ethan crying. I ask him why and he just says "bbbbbbecause...bbbbecause". Steven jumps in with his two cents, "Ethan is crying because daddy said something mean to him". I explain that daddy did not say anything mean. He was just trying to make you guys understand that if you eat money it could kill you and you could end up dead. "Dead like Tanner (our cocker we gad to put down)?" Steven asks. "Yes, dead like tanner ", I respond. "Well, will Ethan go to Doggie Heaven then?" "No Steven....Ethan will not go to Doggie heaven. Shut up and go to sleep before I spank your ass."

Now, do not send me some god for saken hate mail about the way I talk to my kids. Yes, I cuss like a sailor. Yes, I cuss at them. No, they do not use bad language....well okay, Ethan does, but have you noticed the trend here? He marches to the beat of his own drummer and I really only have time to fight the big battles. You know like.......
Do not draw on your face
Do not eat money
Do not blow bubbles in your beer
Oh shit did I say that out loud....No way would we ever give our kid beer just to giggle and laugh when he tastes it. That would be horrible.

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