.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

A good ol' fight with the neighbors

We had been having a hell of a time with the neighbors. They have a little dog, with a little dog bark and they would just leave that little fucker out for hours. One night that thing barked for over 5 hours straight. I had gone to their door a million times, okay well not a million, but a lot. There was never an answer. Finally, I had to call the cops. The cops could not get anyone either. After about a week, I finally caught someone home and said something. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh a quiet dog.

A few days later, it started again and again I could get no one to come to the door. I decided to call the cops again. This time they made contact and the barking stopped. Needless to say our "relationship" was not off to a good start.

Then the other day, the lady's daughter parked blocking our driveway, which pissed me off. I went down and politely explained to them that if my husband got called out he would not be able to get out of the driveway. Well, apparently it pissed the lady off. After I was back in the house, she stood their bitching about it and then proceeded to kick some leave that had gone into her yard back into our yard.

I got crazy mad and flew down the stairs and out the door. She and I began a yelling match after having kicked some leaves back and forth at each other. Of course our argument was not very productive considering she speaks Spanish and I speak English. Luckily her daughter came and translated. Turned out she thought I was being petty calling the cops because she did not know I had been trying to contact them and called the cops as a last resort. The altercation ended in apologies and a fresh start.

I am pretty sure we looked amazingly stupid, two grown ass women out in the yard kicking leaves at each other and yelling at each other in languages neither of understood.

 

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

You are crazy and it is just sad

I am not sure what is wrong with you. You seemed like a really nice person, you were always cheerful and always so kind. Then I guess hiding the true you become to much.

You do nothing but create drama every where you go. I want a divorce, I want to get back together, I want a divorce, I want to get back together. Not only are you mind fucking the man you say you love, but you are tormenting your own children. Every time you say you want to reconcile those little girls are so thrilled to have family time again and then you just pull the rug out from under them.

Maybe you are too self involved, too busy blaming others for YOUR problems, too busy in this sick passive aggressive, controlling relationship you have with your mother, but I see it. I see the hurt in the girls. They tell me they do not want to go to your mother's house. the house you choose to live in. The house you swore was so emotionally abusive when you were a child and so manipulative and now you put those girls right back where you were. Look how it screwed you up, your words not mine. You are putting your whims and your weaknesses before your children.

It is sad when they tell me their hurts and their disappointments. I hope you are proud of what a great mother you are. I am by no means perfect. As I right this this, I sit here with my own internal struggle. I struggle to clean out all the drama you and your "friend" (I use quotes, because you claim you are not friends but I know of no one that exercises with someone, goes out to eat with someone, house sits for someone, and is not their friend...again you lie) have dropped in my lap.

You know what I see, I see that I can recognize my hurts and my faults. I consciously work on improving myself and being a better human being. I focus my life on the positive and when people like you try to fill my my mind with negative, I am taken for a time, but then I will step back and see just how sick you are. You need help and you will not be a part of my life or welcome in my home until you have been through therapy and you see how poisonous your actions are and how many people you have hurt.

 

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

My Little Redneck

We have spent a lot of time trying to instill in our kids the value of money. It is a difficult concept for young kids to grasp. However, I think they have gotten down pretty well. While visiting the in laws, we went to a Great-Aunt's house for her yard sale and all my kids kept asking "what's the price with a family discount?" My favorite part is the sleeveless muscle shirt my youngest bought. He was certain he had not only gotten a good deal, but he was certain he was going to not only be able to keep cool when it gets too hot but also "look cool". Man, These kids............

 

Sunday, July 18, 2010

By the light of day

Today, the feelings still linger, but I have realized a few things.

I am a good friend. I will do anything someone asks of me as long as it causes no harm or hardship to my husband and my children. I am a good mother. I educate them, I feed them, I clean them, I dress them, I play with them, and most of all....I LOVE THEM. I am a good person and though it may take awhile to counteract all the negative things that have been thrown at me, I WILL!!!

I will be stronger than your hate, I will be stronger than your drama, and at the end of the day, I will walk with my head held high. I have a husband who loves me, children who love me, and friends who prove to me you and all your words are nothing but your own problems. I will be happy and surrounded by love and joy. What will you have? Where will you be?

I will move past these hurt feelings. It may take a week, it may take a month, but I will only be stronger because I was able to take those things you have said and done and used them to make myself better. I will be better to my friends because I will not want them to feel the way you made me feel. I will be better to my children, my husband, and my family because I will never want them to feel the way you made me feel.

All your hate, hurt, and drama will only make me stronger and today is the day that I stop letting you in.

 

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Overwhelmed

I am usually not one to sit and type "real" stuff, you know my deep feelings,but if I do not get this out I may explode. Shit, I may explode anyway.

I spend day in and day out wondering if anyone would really notice if I was gone. I have one sister in law who does not speak to me and another who has joined that club. The new member thinks I have some how convinced my brother to divorce her, when she is the one who asked for a divorce. I spent a good deal of time telling my brother I thought he should try harder and I thought he should look at things from a different perspective, but fuck if I am now somehow in shit again. I removed myself from that situation and another that seemed to be too much drama and still it seems to find me.

I feel like nothing I do is good enough. Not for anyone. I am not a good enough friend, I am not a good enough mother, wife, aunt, sister, sister-in-law, student.......well I guess my point has been made. I am struggling everyday. I come hide in my room and cry and sit here wondering what's next. when will other peoples' shit quit hurting me. I wipe away the tears and head back into the game. I try to pretend I feel fine and that everything is good. I try to pretend that I am happy and I am fun, but on the inside I am feeling worthless and beat down. When will people realize that despite the smile I am hurt. I am hurt by the things you say and the things you do. I try so hard to make everyone happy but feel like I cannot make anyone happy.

Most people look at me like the funny cheerful girl and I try my hardest to keep that mask on when people are around, but it seems to be getting harder and harder.

I wish for those I love to find happiness everyday yet despite all the happiness in my life that I share with my children and my husband, I feel others sucking the joy out of my life. I do not know how to make it stop. I have stepped away. I have quit taking calls, but they still seem to seep in. They still seem to take my actions and my words and twist and misconstrue them.

I know this moment of despair will pass. I know I will feel better in awhile. I will put my smiley face back on and I will get my head back in the game of life, but right now I just sit here and cry. Maybe that is all I need, a really good cry. I need time to process all the hateful things that were said to me. I need to process the loss of a friendship. I need to process all the fear I have been hiding about my darling friend who has breast cancer; the fear that I will have to watch her die just like I did my mom. I have to process all these feelings and the ones that I hide even from myself. Some that I just can't even bring myself to type. Those that I hide deep inside. I just feel so overwhelmed and so tired. I just wish everyone would be nice, happy, and get along. I wish the madness would stop and the joy and laughter would return.

I hurt and I sit here alone with my hurt. I try to tell my husband how I feel but then the guilt creeps in. Who I am I to complain. I am a stay at home mom and he has to go to work. I feel guilty for saying I am tired. I feel guilty for saying that raising kids, cleaning house, doing laundry, keeping good grades, being a good wife, helping those I love, being kind to those who are not, and well just life in general seems to have gotten to be more than I think I can handle. I feel like I am unable to make anyone happy. I miss my family, I miss my sister in laws. I just want this day to be done.

 

Friday, July 16, 2010

Out of the mouth of a smart ass babe

The kids have some chores that they are responsible for. Nothing hard, I mean they are only 6 and 7. They are just enough to teach them some responsibility. They empty wastebaskets, take dirty laundry to the laundry room, and unload the dishwasher.

conversation with Steven (7 year old)

Steven: I don't want tooooooooooooooooooo (imagine a really whiney tone)

Me:
get down stairs and just do it. oh and STOP the friggin' whining business

Steven: I finished everything but the stuff I couldn't reach or the things I did know where to put them

Me: Good job honey. (reaching out, holding his hand and walking down the stairs) well, sweetie, I will help you with the rest.

Steven: I guess you shouldn't send a little person to do a big person's job

Are you friggin' kidding me? I was about to choke him out and then kick him down the stairs. Okay not really but uhm isn't it a little early to start with that smart ass business already. I guess am getting what I give....better teach him when and where they is appropriate.....NEVER with me if you plan to live.

 

Sunday, July 11, 2010

It feels so good

I can't even explain fully how good I have felt the last few days with friends around me who are so positive and do not constantly LOOK for the bad in life. It is so nice to not have to listen to people's faults ad nauseum.

I have had a great time and a chance to clear my mind and refocus on all those things in my life that truly deserve to be priorities. The kids have been back to reading, I have all their summer school work organized and ready. Oh, I even did a bunch of ab exercises this morning and enjoyed it.

I am telling you, it is the greatest thing to just get people out of your life that bring nothing but drama and really do not love you or care about you in the way you deserve.

What was that damn saying Stewart Smally from SNL had? "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gone-it, people like me."

 

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Goodbye Crazies

I made a conscious decision to remove those people from my life who either bring mostly drama to the table or those who are only able to emotionally take. I thought for awhile that it was me who might have the issue and then I saw it. I saw that some people think they are being a good friend but just are unable to put themselves in the shoes of others unless it benefits them, a true narcissist. The great thing about it, I have so much time to focus on my family and those friends that see more in the world then just themselves.

Beware of the people who claim to always be the victim, say they do nothing but give, and find fault with every relationship in their lives. I was amazed that not one relationship was satisfying, not one person was free from their wrath and their criticism, and not one person has ever been free of the inevitable confrontation.

It was exhausting to be on that type of roller coaster ride. I decided to get off. I will always cherish the special moments and the kindness shown to my children. It was not always bad, but sadly it is time to do what is not only best for me, but also my husband and my family in general. It was always hard to work on relationships with people my husband, who is one of my greatest priorities and my dearest friend, did not only find annoying but really would rather not even have them around our family.

I know my choice will not be easy. These people will always hold a special place in my heart and I will be grateful for the friendship we had, but it is now time to move on. I wish nothing but the best for them and hope that life brings them all they hope for.

 

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