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Saturday, July 17, 2010

Overwhelmed

I am usually not one to sit and type "real" stuff, you know my deep feelings,but if I do not get this out I may explode. Shit, I may explode anyway.

I spend day in and day out wondering if anyone would really notice if I was gone. I have one sister in law who does not speak to me and another who has joined that club. The new member thinks I have some how convinced my brother to divorce her, when she is the one who asked for a divorce. I spent a good deal of time telling my brother I thought he should try harder and I thought he should look at things from a different perspective, but fuck if I am now somehow in shit again. I removed myself from that situation and another that seemed to be too much drama and still it seems to find me.

I feel like nothing I do is good enough. Not for anyone. I am not a good enough friend, I am not a good enough mother, wife, aunt, sister, sister-in-law, student.......well I guess my point has been made. I am struggling everyday. I come hide in my room and cry and sit here wondering what's next. when will other peoples' shit quit hurting me. I wipe away the tears and head back into the game. I try to pretend I feel fine and that everything is good. I try to pretend that I am happy and I am fun, but on the inside I am feeling worthless and beat down. When will people realize that despite the smile I am hurt. I am hurt by the things you say and the things you do. I try so hard to make everyone happy but feel like I cannot make anyone happy.

Most people look at me like the funny cheerful girl and I try my hardest to keep that mask on when people are around, but it seems to be getting harder and harder.

I wish for those I love to find happiness everyday yet despite all the happiness in my life that I share with my children and my husband, I feel others sucking the joy out of my life. I do not know how to make it stop. I have stepped away. I have quit taking calls, but they still seem to seep in. They still seem to take my actions and my words and twist and misconstrue them.

I know this moment of despair will pass. I know I will feel better in awhile. I will put my smiley face back on and I will get my head back in the game of life, but right now I just sit here and cry. Maybe that is all I need, a really good cry. I need time to process all the hateful things that were said to me. I need to process the loss of a friendship. I need to process all the fear I have been hiding about my darling friend who has breast cancer; the fear that I will have to watch her die just like I did my mom. I have to process all these feelings and the ones that I hide even from myself. Some that I just can't even bring myself to type. Those that I hide deep inside. I just feel so overwhelmed and so tired. I just wish everyone would be nice, happy, and get along. I wish the madness would stop and the joy and laughter would return.

I hurt and I sit here alone with my hurt. I try to tell my husband how I feel but then the guilt creeps in. Who I am I to complain. I am a stay at home mom and he has to go to work. I feel guilty for saying I am tired. I feel guilty for saying that raising kids, cleaning house, doing laundry, keeping good grades, being a good wife, helping those I love, being kind to those who are not, and well just life in general seems to have gotten to be more than I think I can handle. I feel like I am unable to make anyone happy. I miss my family, I miss my sister in laws. I just want this day to be done.

 

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Katy Nichols Stein | Create Your Badge

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