Thursday, January 31, 2008

Breathing Free Statistics

Well people, here they are. My official stats for today.

Time Smoke-Free: 30 days, 13 hours, 58 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 550
Lifetime Saved: 4 days, 4 hours
Money Saved: $129.60

I feel somewhat accomplished.



Wednesday, January 30, 2008

In The Mood For Some Funnies?

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Last Day on the Job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you."

I asked him what to give you. He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."


Waste of Sarcasm

Pretty much every morning after Clint has left for work, I am joined in bed by some combination of children. his morning Steven came first. We watched some news and chatted. Then came Ethan. He curled up right behind me. He was so close that I laughed and asked him "think you can get any closer?" Well, he did. He scooted his little body up as far as he could and said "I'm Closer." Man, sometimes sarcasm is wasted on young people.

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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Stein Look-alike Meter

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Monday, January 28, 2008

Never Pass Out At The Stein House

Once upon a time, in a land far far away.......Way back when we didn't have kids and we could act really stupid and sleep it off the next day.

I have these pictures that Some friends and I took of Clint. He made the mistake of passing out with three drunks still up and looking for entertainment. We proceeded to paint his toes, put make up on him and just pretty much screw with him. We documented it all on film, much to his dismay.

Then there was the New Years Eve a few years back when Clint had a wee bit too much to drink and was rendered paralyzed for a short period of time. Again, several friends and I took this as a great photo opportunity. We now have some lovely photos of my friends and I with a drunken, green Clint.

I of course am entirely too lazy to go find said photos, scan them and post them. Which really is fine because the true reason for this post is to state the fact that Ethan really is a chip off the old block. The little darling can fall asleep anywhere, anytime if he is tired enough.

Now, being the family of asshole, jerks that we are, I could not just carry the little guy off to bed. No way Jose!!!! I must pass on to the other children what we do when we have such an opportunity. You must never pass up such wonderful photo ops.

Emily jumped right in. She knows a good time when she sees one. Steven took a little coaxing, but he too joined in the fun.

Of course being the sen say of good times, I jumped in to top off the education with the great "group photo".

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Sunday, January 27, 2008

A Fan Of Stephen Lynch

I do not know if you have ever seen Stephen Lynch, but this guy is so damn funny. He does this song about Dungeons and Dragons. I have of coursed already e-mailed that to my older brother who drew crap on graph paper and had pewter statue guys.

I thought I would include a link to his diddy about his close loving relationship with his Grandad.

I tried to find the link to another song he does called DOWN TO THE OLD PUB INSTEAD. If you find that one, oh give it a good listen. That is the one that started me on the path of Stephen Lynch.

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Friday, January 25, 2008

Self Proclaimed Poop Machine

I know it was probably foolish of me but I was sure I would no longer be writing about poop. All the kids are potty trained, we have no pets. Of course there is still the little detail that we still wipe some asses. Emily is the only child at this point, that we trust to wipe her own ass without using too much toilet paper, having shit on her hands and shit all over the toilet. So the conversation last night began like this:

Ethan: "I'm DOOOOOONE" (This is the call for us to get up off our asses and go wipe his butt)

Clint: "I'm Coming"

Ethan: (upon Clint's arrival to the poop depot) "Wait (grunt,grunt) I need to make one more poop"

Clint comes out to the living room to watch TV while he waits for the boy to finish his "business"

Ethan: "I'm DOOOOOONE"

Clint heads into the bathroom

Ethan: "I didn't make just one, I made two more poops."

Clint: "Okay" (I mean what exactly are you supposed to say to that)

Ethan: "I am a poop machine"

Clint: (laughing) Yes, yes you are.

Wipes his butt and follows him to be sure he gets back in bed.

Ethan: (turns around and tells Clint)"I really am a poop machine"

This is one of those conversations that makes me glad I am a parent.


Thursday, January 24, 2008

I Feel Like Jill In The Beanstalk

Before I get to the real meat of this story, I must give a bit of history.

Clint got out of the Army and we MOVED to his parents for the few weeks it would take him to find a job now that he had completed his Bachelors degree.

After several MONTHS, he accepted a position as a service tech for a company near Springtown, TX (where he is from). We then MOVED into a house we rented from his uncle.

After two months, the railroad called. They offered him a job in San Antonio that he would start in two weeks. So we had two weeks to load up and get ourselves and our shit to San Antonio. We were to rent a house from a girl I used to work with back when I had a J O B. So, we loaded up the truck and we MOVED.

We got to San Antonio and the house we were to move into (which had been vacant and on the market for something like 8 months) had been broken into and had squatters. So here we are with a moving truck full of our stuff, three kids and no place to live.

I panicked for about an hour and then we began the hunt. Within 16 hours, we had found a house, unpacked our truck and set up the beds. Now, I am sure you can guess the house we ended up with on such short notice was not exactly what we had been dreaming of. It was dated. The floors were ridiculous. However, we had a place to live and that was GREAT.

Now for the MEAT!!!!

I have a bit of an anal side. I like a clean. non cluttered house. I sweep and mop most every day. Can you imagine my surprise when I found plant life growing in my bathroom?

I am not exactly sure what this mean, but it can't be good. I mean where is it coming from? Do you see that black? That is some sort of sticky gummy stuff from when they laid the linoleum on top of the old linoleum. It really is all kinds of Fancy Time.

Now, I ask you not to be jealous. Do not look at your house and wonder why you can't have plants growing out form under your tub. We are special and we have been chosen.

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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Real Housewives of The OC..I AM A BAD TV JUNKY

I know I have some serious issues with TV. I pretty much record everything. I love bad reality TV. I keep this reality genre alive.
I was thrilled while feeding my other addiction...the Internet, I found a web site called Pretty On The Outside. This guys art work is so wonderful. I am now an addict of that to....beats cigarettes people....work with me here. You can also find him here.

Now, this guy has done some pictures of the stars of one of my favorite shows.......The Housewives Of The OC. Where the hell are their awards? This is some riveting TV.

Last night was the season finale and now i sit and wait for the after show next week.

Jeanna is my favorite housewife. Her alcoholic husband has left the show after a few seasons and very little interaction. Apparently he did not like the fact that she went from Playmate to a real life woman who puts on a little weight.

Then there is the alcoholic, good time, obsessive compulsive Vicky, who I have to admit is one crazy ass entertaining broad.

Do not forget to go check out this guys stuff. He really is so talented.


What's New PussyCat

Went to a benefit for my friend Christy this past Sunday. She was recently diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma Stage III and has no insurance. She has since applied for assistance through the hospital she is receiving treatment and got it. Thank goodness. She starts her Chemo this week and her bone marrow test came back negative. To me, this means the girl is well on her way to recovery. The benefit was entertaining. I saw tons of people I had not seen in years and it was nice to see so many people come out to make a difference in her life. She is well worth it. My Dad and his wife donated a sizable chunk of money, which was so nice.

I have still not smoked and I am really going to make it last this time. Now that I realize I am a nicotine addict and can NEVER pick up another cigarette, I think a beak through has been made. It really is not easy, but hey what fun is easy. I watched Oprah yesterday all about quitting smoking and it just solidified my desires to be smoke free.

The kids have been working hard on their phonics and their numbers. They can now count to 100 and can almost recognize all the numbers as well. Emily of course has it down pat, but they do say girls come along quicker then boys.

I miss being in Springtown, believe it or not. I know there was bad Internet, phone service...it was the sticks. But I miss the family. I love having family around and cousins for the kids. My family isn't too much into all that, so I must just soak it all in with Clint's family. Good Times I tell you.

Emily asked me the other day when we would be getting a new pet and honestly I really do not want one. Maybe in a few years kid.

Oh and best of all, next to the tub in the kids' bathroom, there is a little plant of some sort growing out from under it. How friggin' crazy is that!!! I am going to take a picture of it and send it to the landlord. CRAZY!!!!!!


Thursday, January 17, 2008

Super Freak, Super Freak, She's Super Freaky

The kids all went shopping for each other this Christmas. Clint and I feel it is important for then to learn the gift of giving. They really did enjoy it and believe it or not, they kept the gifts they bought a secret. Christmas day was full of excitement ad hugs. They were all so excited to give their gifts and also to see what they had gotten.

Steven bought Emily some little girl make-up. Now, I use this term loosely because it would seem to me that little girl make-up would consist of light, neutral colors. This is so very far from the truth. Little Girl make-up is also the same make-up the local hookers buy. The bright blues and pinks. It is so awful.

Emily, however loved her gift and is frothing at the mouth to put on her make-up every time she plays dress-up. Here are the results of "little girl" cosmetics.


Enough said.


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

What I Miss About Being An Army Wife

1. Free health care

2. The neighbors/ my friends

3. Playmates for the kids

4. The PX...man they had somekick ass sales

5. The Family events on post.

What I like about being in San Antonio

1. Close to my Grandmother and Dad

2. Close to my BFF

What I liked about Springtown
1. The kids had cousins to play with

2. Clint's family

3. Sticking my arm up a cow's ass

4. Hanging out with Jennifer and Marsha

5. Our huge backyard


Wednesday, January 09, 2008

"No Mommy, Don't Beat Me"

What I have NOT heard since quitting smoking.

So here it is, about a week into quitting and "Holy ape shit Batman!" I have gotten a severe case of insomnia and am friggin' tired as all get out. Which leads me to explain my new "system" for the kids.

When you quit smoking (for those who have never done it) you have a tendancy to get a wee bit on the FRIGGIN" CRANKY SIDE. You have to fight cravings and try not to be a total bitch to the people who are kindly supporting you. So in an attempt not to beat the living hell out of my children I came up with a plan. We are doing a sticker reward system until I can spank them without possibly killing them. So the way the "system' works is as follows:
Listen to Mommy the first time she says something and follow the rules and you get a sticker.
Do not listen to Mommy and break the rules and I take the sticker away.
When you get five stickers (does not seem too hard, but we are talking about two five year olds and a four year old....they have yet to get to five stickers today) you get to pick a candy out of the candy drawer. Not to mention the fact that these kids are crazy for stickers themselves and have already been working hard at kissing up to get stickers.

So, that is the "system". Seems to be working so far. No one has gotten a single spanking today.....that in itself is flippin' amazing.



Monday, January 07, 2008

A Brand New Year

So here it is, 2008. I am about to shit a brick at just the thought of having graduated high school Almost 16 years ago. I mean, I really do not feel like I am old enough for that.
Well, I have some changes I AM making this year.
1. Quit smoking again and for the last time
2. Stay on top of special occasions
3. Start house hunting

That is about all I am really willing to commit to. I mean the No smoking is tough enough. One thing I read that totally made sense was......"Do not think you can just smoke one cigarette socially. You are like an alcoholic. You will never be able to socially smoke."

That is for sure. I am so glad I have such a good support system because this shit really is super hard.


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Location: San Antonio, Texas, United States

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