Saturday, June 24, 2006

Deep in the Heart of Texas

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....if you are not interested in a Katy pity party, I suggest you move along. See that red X up in the right hand corner? Feel free to push it now. Do not leave me some stupid friggin' comment about how stupid I am. I have no problem deleting comments that go against me and my opinion. Why you say? Well, to be frank (not that I want to be some guy named frank, I just mean to speak frankly, openly, no holds barred) I do not give a shit about any opinion other then my own in this particular venue because this is MY blog and I will say whatever the hell I feel like saying. HMMMMPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I am probably saying that for my own reassurance then for those few people who may have any interest in what a boring stay at home mom may have to say about her kids shit, her own shit or the dog's shit.

Now, that being said, I would like to open with the fact that I am feeling super duper homesick. Not so much for Texas (yes, yes do not get me wrong, I miss the shit out of Texas), but for my family. Now, this is where I let the cat out of the bag that I am no longer speaking to my Dad's wife and because of that I am sure I will no longer hear from him. Sad!!! Very Sad!!! I now have one dead parent and one parent I will probably never see again because I choose not to accept mediocrity for me or for my family. I suppose my Dad being a big boy can choose to do what he feels is right. Apparently it is right for him to not spend time with HIS children or grandchildren. I have lived here away from Texas oh beautiful Texas for 2 and a half years. He has not once come to visit. Clint's Mom is fixin' (for christie..inside joke) to come to visit for the third, no fourth time. His sister has been here twice and his brother will be here in a few weeks. Now, I understand my Dad and his wife were not financially able (don't even get me started on that topic) but Clint and I offered to get him up here for a four day weekend over father's day. We had an airline voucher....talk about saving some money. You want to know his answer....He couldn't afford to be off work and he did not think that would go over well at home. It is funny I am just know having to realize how little my family actually wants to be involved with each other. I see other families who make ours look like a sea of sanity yet we are the family who does not spend time together. There are things we all find fucked up about one another. None of us are perfect. We all say and do stupid shit, but I always thought part of being a family was just saying well.....fuck it...I love you and want to be around you and a part of your life no matter what. Apparently I just adopted these qualities from other families because my family does not share in this sentiment. I am the first to admit I have a big fucking mouth, especially when it has to do with my brothers and my parents. I want to defend them, even if it is something they do not feel they need to be defended from. I want nothing but happiness for them. I want to be with them. I want our kids to know each other and love each other. I am sick for some family. I want to yell and scream and fight with each other and then turn around and hug, grab a beer and talk about how stupid that whole situation was. I want to be able to say, hey I know I have a big mouth. I want them to say...hey I know whatever they would say (insert horrible herendously disgusting things here.....just kidding). I want to not be jealous of my husband's family. Shit, they are all just as crazy as my family, they have just as much baggage, but you know what....they all know they love each other and they all get over IT. They respect each others opinions. They admit when they are wrong, no matter how wrong. They do not let holidays pass without so much as a phone call. I want that. I want a family. I want my kids to know there aunts and uncles. All of them no matter what are wonderful people. I want them to know my Dad, I want my Dad to WANT to know them and to see me. They will never know my Mom. She was crazy. I mean certifiabley crazy. She needed meds, but that was back before we as a society were okay with mental disorders. Now we can at least stand up and say we are crazy and EVERYONE else says ME TOO. She was a good mom too. She loved us even when she couldn't show it. We fought like the dickens, but I knew she still loved me. It was a look, a phone call asking me some question she didn't need to ask. I wish my kids could have known her. She would have loved them My Dad has that chance but doesn't take it. I am mad, I am sad, I jealous, I want to have a family that is in love with each other. Both of my sister in laws have mothers who, as they put it (I am not directly quoting) can sometimes be too involved. I would love to have too involved. I think too involved is way better then dead and indifferent. I miss my Parents. I miss my friends. I want to go home.


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